Not too long ago, I saw myself go from a strong, successful, and fearless businesswoman to a dithering mess without an ounce of self-confidence.
This is the story of a three-year chunk of my life where I experienced domestic violence first-hand. The experience permanently changed me, and while I lost time, weight, health, family and friends, my most significant loss was my self-confidence.
I'm sharing it because if I could rebuild from that, I know you can rebuild from whatever is holding you back.
"I allowed the offender to erode my self-confidence through his constant belittling, berating, and physical violence. He extracted the happiness and energy I once exuded, forcing me to reconstruct and rebuild my life."
How It Started
I met him in a bar. He was a Captain America replica, full of life, cheeky, entertaining the room with a microphone in hand. We laughed all night. Within days he was calling. Within months we were in a long-distance relationship, flying between countries, attending parties and weddings and holidays. It was intoxicating.
At first I thought we were similar. He was a successful businessman interested in personal growth, health and property. I had a Pilates Reformer manufacturing business, a training company, managed property for friends, was a life and business coach, and was motivational speaking on the side. We seemed like a match.
The first red flag came about eighteen months in, a disagreement about avocado. He was drunk and insulted me repeatedly. The next day he apologised profusely. Work pressure, he said. I believed him. That was my first mistake.
The Slow Burn
I sold my house and flew thousands of miles to move in with him. The first three months were exhilarating. Then it happened again, worse than before. The verbal and emotional abuse escalated to violence.
My life moved through three phases for the next two years: tension, abuse, and honeymoon. He didn't want me to work, meet people, talk to my children, my family, or my friends. I was isolated. There were no allies. No support. My only option was to keep the secret to myself.
"The weird thing about abuse is that it starts slowly and becomes normal quickly. Just like the boiling frog metaphor, I began in a pot of cold water, blissfully unaware of the rising temperature."
He threw shoes, cups, keys and phones at me. He left me at airports, restaurants, hotels and movies. He locked me out of our apartment, forcing me to sleep in the basement of our building. I was afraid of him. He was capable of anything.
The Night I Got Out
One night at a restaurant, I knew it was going to end badly. I went back to our hotel before we even ordered. He arrived hours later, drunk, ranting, angry. He dragged me by my hair across the room as I screamed for him to stop. The people next door called reception. Reception called the police. They put me in another room for my safety, and the next morning, the police drove me to the train station so I could get home.
That was the beginning of the end.
The Rebuild
After I left, I returned home with nothing. I was back to zero, financially, physically, emotionally. I had no self-confidence left. The strong, fearless businesswoman I had been was gone, and I didn't know how to find her again.
I moved into a small apartment. I had minimal income and no plan. Some days I couldn't get off the bed.
But I had one thing left: I knew I had done it before. I had built businesses from nothing. I had pushed through hard things before this. And I knew that the person I had been before him still existed somewhere inside me. I just had to be her again.
"Your past doesn't determine your future. No matter what you've experienced, it is possible to redesign your life from today by simply drawing a line in the sand and making a choice."
I began rebuilding my self-confidence one small decision at a time. Not grand gestures. Not overnight transformations. Just incremental choices, every day, that said: I am worth more than this.
I rewired my thinking from doubt and negativity, from self-sabotage and restricting beliefs, back to where it needed to be to give myself the happiness and life I wanted.
What I Learned
Self-confidence is not a personality trait you're born with. It is a skill. It is built through action, decision by decision, day by day. When you lose it, and life will take it from you at some point, you can build it back.
The ROSÉ framework I developed and shared in my book 3 Wines In came directly from this experience. It is the exact process I used to rebuild myself. And I know it works, because I lived it.
Realise your goals. Organise your life. Study yourself. Elevate your relationships.
That's the code. That's how you get from zero back to hero. It is not fast. It is not easy. But it is absolutely possible.
"Until one day, I decided enough was enough. From that day on, I began to change everything, and everything changed for the better."
The gap between where you are and where you want to be is not talent. Not timing. Not luck.
It is simply action.
This story is an excerpt from Hilary's book 3 Wines In, published by Bermingham Books (2023). Winner of the Abel Book Awards Gold Medal for Best Mindset & NLP Book.
